l0nely_gurl

12:54 am: New things
well lets see so many things have happend with my life in the past four or five months.
matt is definaly the love of my life for all times. we maded the move to colorado in july and august 22nd i told him he was going to be a daddy! yeah well that was a big birthday surprise for him.
we have our own place here in colorado its tiny but cute i guess if you disregaurd the new neighbors that we all hate. i made one friend here shes pregnat too so thats really cool. to see picks of my growing belly heres a link
I'm due Sunday, April 23, 2006 - Visit My Babies Online Pregnancy Journal
well thats all about me

01:11 pm: MOVING!
SO IM MOVING IN JULY 15TH TO COLORADO YEP YEP MATT AND I ARE MAKING THE MOVE SO YEAH GO US. IM REALLLY REALLY EXCITED BUT AT THE SAME TIME KINDA SCARED. YAH KNOW ITS FAR AWAY.

11:16 pm: SO MUCH
humm where to start....
well lets start with the fact that im not pregnat. this is a good thing cause i still want to wait a few years before i become a mommy but at the same time i truely belive i was because of how things happend. ( LOTS OF GROSS DETAILS NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR) so that has me kinda depressed.
I still have Matt mmmmm how much i love him i could not say in any amount of words and its great to know and feel that he loves me the same, which is good cause i forsee a bit of rough times ahead of us in the near futer due to the fact that im getting kicked out of my house.
my parents told me that i was to get out of the house as soon as possible. when i made a comment maybe i should just go live in my car my moms only replie was well if thats what you gotta do for a while... .grrrr she makes me sooo mad some times . so Matt and i have been looking for places to live different appartments in and about the area. one idea that came up was living with his mom so we talked to her about it.
we are waiting to hear from matts mom we talked to her about moving to Colorado to live with her for a bit untill we get settled down there for a while so thats an option... but for now its a waiting game.
We are moving for sure sometime by the end of the summer with what money i dont know like i said rough times a head but it will all work out in the end i guess. we have each other and that is the main thing we will definatly be living off of love for the first while together.

10:55 pm: stressed out
okay i need to get out of my house i need a place of my own! i already pay 200 dollars rent to my parents and do chores now they have told me that i have to pay my own car insurance, well i have always had to pay my own but now i must get my own plan so there for i will be paying more for my plan. grr i had it all figured out as to of how i could get out then this what the hell. i dont know my guy and i talked about moving out of state and that looks like it might happen which at this point i think is a very good thing. every one says that i cant but i say what the hell i have nothing here i love my parents but i need some space and ill come to vist as often as posible

12:55 am: i kept my eyes open.
those who know my past know i have never kept my eyes open during sex never made that special eye contact when you are in the middle of passionate sex where the one you are with can see deep into your soul and see every inch of pain and happiness. i have fallen in love once and i never allowed even him to have that piece of me. he had stolen the rest of me but i hung on to that one littlest piece. i gave it away today. sitting here thinking i feel very vunerable, yet at the same time joyous and at piece with it. you would think that it would be a very romatic moment too but it really wasnt. the guy, we will call him RED, well there is a long story to him that i dont want to talk about at this moment. but we meet each other and started hanging out and from the begining there was a soft connection. its hard to explain we were connected but its not a connection that have felt with other people such as William or the OLDER MAN. I want to see him all the time and not nesiarly to be all over him just to know that he is still there. its weird i have never felt that way about any one... but back to me giving my soul to him before i had to go to work ( i had forty minutes) i called him up he doent have a place of his own ( and his living situation isnt the best) i dont have a place of my own so we met in a parking lot. some furiture store it has a huge parking lot so we parked in the corner and climbed into the back seat of my car (this is at 500 pm) we were just sitting there talking and kissing and stuff but the sexual tension was just to much for me so i undid my pants and his pants and we went at it right there in the middle of the daylight in my car and it felt like forever and it was amazing i would look into his eyes and he would look into my eyes and i could see him and he could see me.. i could see that he thought i was amazing ( not just sexually but ME all of me that he sees you know) i have never felt or seen that come acrossed any other guys face oh it was the best feeling in the world. i dont know where this is going to go but i hope it goes some where good.

11:19 pm: Work Work Work
Okay so its only two works but still its working from 8 am to 10 pm my feet are killing me. today was the first day of my new second job. im tired im glad the day is over but tomorrow will come too early.

10:04 pm: Dissapear
why cant i just dissapear? i use to be able to, when ever i wanted i would just disapear. but it seems i have lost that magic. i am stuck here and this place wont let go of its hold. i need to get away before i go crazy in this rut that i cant climb out of and everytime i try i just dig it deeper. i wish i had the power to just reach out and take what i want in life but every time i reach it seems to be right there on my finger tips but not with in my grasp.
an outsider looking in on my life could say i have it great not to disagree yeah thats true but still i feel like this like all the walls are closing in.
is this what i am destioned to be a bum living at home working in child care?
ahhhhhhggggg! then there is the guy i love.... more than my first love. he is everything i have wanted and more he makes me feel amazing and when he says that im pretty i belive him. but at the same time he has hurt me and hurt me bad i wonder if what he says is just what i am wanting to hear is my love a fake love cause i still love will? if i still love will how can i be in love with this guy? grrrr. then there is the older man.. i dont feel anything for him but friendship. i love him like i do my friends thats it hes fun and a great conversationalist. he wants more but i cant take it there what do i do. my life is crazy.

06:59 pm: BEAUTIFUL??
I met this guy and im not telling where. he is kind and sweet fun to talk to and a kisser that can make my knees go weak in one kiss. and with me those kind of kisses lead to other things... and it was amazing. i didnt fully finish but i wasnt expecting to being that i rarely do but he was having issues to with medication but even with all that it was amazing. :) i still have the shitty grin on my face and it took place last night. during the whole event his soft kisses and touches showed me that i was all that was on his mind this is the first time i had ever felt that. he kept telling me over and over that i was beautiful. normally im like uh uhh but i believed him he made me feel beautiful as if he just wanted me and we were in the world of our own. after we were done well and during we talked and i have never really done that. and it was sweet and special and im going to use the word amazing too much in this story but in all honesty it was amazing. then it was almost three in the morning and he had to get back to work so i walked around with him doing his little things he had to do that night. and even then i felt like that i was pretty much all that was on his mind he kinda basicly skiped over the things he was suppoue to be doing. the elevator rides were fun...
i see him again on sunday i cant wait... its all im able to think about.

06:33 am: WHY THE HELL!
Why do i still care what the hell william thinks about me? during sex after sex, or whenever in general. we hung out last night and went up to the pass and had "fun" in the snow , i.e. getting stuck. we were in the snow for all of maybe 20 mintues. he got a new car and the acra doesnt do well in snow beacause it doesnt have very high clearance ( well duh) so after getting it unstuck he decided to drive it up a backroad which tore up the underneath of it. stupid guy. but of course we ended up having sex in his new car and well it was good sex and i know he enjoyed it but at the same time i am always second guessing shit with him and reading into things and i just cant help but wonder if he is still only having sex with me cause that is all he can get at the moment or if im good enough that he still wants to have sex with me?
oh and heres the really wierd thing about how our relationship is now we are ( well maybe i am) more open with eachother so we talk more freely about everything. and when he comes to pic me up its all friendly and such and we talk a lot usually we are together several hours before having sex. and its great talking to him i love talking to him i love doing things with him we always seem to find ways to have fun, but then we have sex and it gets quite between us not much talking or anything for quite a while and its not nessicarly a bad silence its just there. then when he drops me off or as im leaving we always kiss goodbye. wierd i know.
but so why do i care about about how he feels about me sexually? during sex with other guys i dont care i dont wonder as much with them if they like it or not i do my best and try to please them but i honestly dont care. but with him im scared that it wont be good enough, that he wont like it, ill do something wrong or stupid. i dont know grrrrr i just wish id didnt care as much as i do.

05:54 pm: Left behind
in younger days i fully believed it would be me leaving every one behind setting out doing things on my own, cause well i have always done things on my own. but as it turns out all my friends have moved aways and forgotten getting caught up in their new lifes. i strugle to stay in touch and keep up on the new news with them, living vicouriously through their experiances.
i thought getting a job i would for sure find new friends no! they are back stabing bitches and make me hate looking forward to a new day at work, if it werent for them i would love my job. So im left hating going to work loving my job and looking for friends.

Okay how do you know that you are in love with someone? and should you marry some one that you love or some one you are in love with? i have a friend that is head over heels for me and i love him but im not in love with him if i asked him to marry me he would in a heart beat cause he has said we should. so im left wondering.....

11:21 pm: Double life
I have found that I lead a double life daily yet no one knows. I call out for help ever reaching and falling but there is no one to answer my crys or catch me when i fall. During the day Im able to hide myself so well i have had a life time to hide it and i dont burden any one but myself with my other self. during the day Im able to hide behind my cheerful there is nothing wrong self but the true me is dark and dreary. i feel useless as Im trying so hard to move forward yet my feet are caught in blocks of cement. as if i shall never get to where i want to be, then i think about it and i have no clue where i want to be.
i know this is a stupid thing to say but i miss highschool though i loathed it soooo very much i miss my constant activities that i could hide behind and not have to think about myself. now than its over me is all that i think about maybe if i cant find a weekend job ill find some volunteer work.... its always good to hide behind.

http://www.clinical-depression.co.uk/Understanding_Depression/cycle.htm
after reading this page i think that i do have depression... god now im a freak just what i need to add to my list of pyscho problems.... well at least im good at hiding it and i dont lay the problems on any one else.

10:13 pm:
You represent... anger.
Mad at the world, eh? You have a tendency to...
freak out easily. Overly emotional about
everything, you're most prone to bouts of
cruelty and moodiness. Other people may be
afraid of the fact that you explode so easily,
but at least you're honest... even if you're
honest about not liking anything.


What feeling do you represent?
brought to you by Quizilla


You're the suggestive grin,mostly used while
flirting and accompanied by the come-hither
look.You're either an attention hog or way too
insecure to not be in the spotlight at all
times.No one can quite tell.Calm down and learn
to be regular,ya perv.


What Kind of Smile are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


You're Bettie Page!


What Classic Pin-Up Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

12:53 am: GRRRR
I dont know what to say i think that i suffer from depression. I just might. I come across as joyous and happygolucky to every one i met but really inside i feel all dark and alone. I feel that im looking for something that i can not find, and i think its me. there is so much i want to be and do but im not. like i want to be happy all the time. i want to be a better person. yeah i know im already nice to everyone and im entertaining and all that jazz but i truely want to be a better person. some one who is strong and a leader not the follower that i am and some one who allows themself to be walked on by others. What really gets me is i know i have issues and i know what they are but i dont know how to fix them. and that makes me very frustrated because i can fix everyone elses problems but i cant fix mine.
i also think i used up all my happy go lucky self this summer i think i emotionally and physically drained myself. i was so out going and every one loved me and i put myself out there so much , more than i should have at times... and now i know i have to face my problems that i have come to relize and i just want to cry. and i use to not cry except at really sad movies or when i was really frustrated but now it seems i cant get through one damn day with out crying over nothing. what to do what to do
to add to my depression im sick all it is a head cold nothing more but i look and feel like hell!
what i really want is some one to wrap their arms around me and hold me and talk to me and kiss me sweetly. oh and the guy i want to do that lives in pullman grrrrr! life shall go on i guess.

04:45 am: I cant believe how close to me both of these are i do have these things
"She owns any of the following: scrapbooks, heirloom quilts, a Bible, family recipes" how scary. lol and i drive a ford and i would never pass up the chance for a new experiance and i do own a mutt from the pound lol.

I am a hybrid of: Girl Next Door Progressive Girl Click on the pictures below to read more: Take the 'What Kind of Girl Are You?' quiz at CookingToHookup.com

01:46 am: This thing they call love.
I hate it who the hell invented feelings? I hate love the most. The person who inveted love was sly, twisted and evil. Something that is said to be so wonderful. But what they dont tell you is the pain and scars that love leaves behind.
Why the hell arent there do overs in live this i ask of you? if i were the being that invented life as we know it i would have added a do over rule. if you do something wrong the first time you can redo it. I would redo my frist love. I would fall in love with some one who could love me. Unfortatally that is not true because knowning me i would fall in love with William all over again. It was wonderful and magical and everything i wanted but he couldnt love me he wasnt ready yet.
Do you ever ach like there is something missing in your life and you try everything to fill the void but nothing will? thats how i feel. William finally filled that void for me and then took it back. i wonder if he ever really knew how much i apperishated him or how much i fully gave to him. i dont want to hurt over him any more he can be such a wonderful person and an ass. we are still friends.
i think thats what started my thoughts tonight. i saw him all i did was drive to his house and pick up some money but he had a long day at work and i could see and feel he just wasnt himself and i wanted to hold him give him a back massage and talk to him untill he was alright again in doing so would make me okay again but that can not happen we are no longer linked like that in our lives.
that leaves me to wonder. my true love is still out there some where will i ever find him or will i be bound to never loving another and being childless the rest of my life?
then again why love? then again they do say it is better to love and lost then to have never loved at all right? so what the hell! i hate it i hate it i hate it.
why do i feel so much that i do why am i more able to feel what others feel more than most why do i love stronger than most? why must i have a warm heart that never truely stops weeping. why cant i just be a cold hearted bitch.

02:48 am: Its over....
I emailed him this :

hey babe,
i was just wondering what is up with you. I have been trying to call you for weeks but you dont answer your phone. is this your way of breaking up with me? if it is thats okay i would just like to know what is going on in your head. The last time we were together left me wondering where we stand with eachother i mean i hadnt seen you for a week then no sex. If it is truly over then i am fine and i will move on i just hope that you will still be friends with me because we always have great fun. and if we are over i would like you to know that i love you. yeah i know you dont want to hear it but it must be said and im seriously not telling you this to try to guilt you into staying with me. i am sure you already know that and it probably scares the hell out of you. that is why i have never told you that especially since you have a hard time decussing your feelings and im never quite sure how you feel about me.sometimes i think you are really into me and other times i think you could care less the games just drive me crazy and i want to know what you are thinking. i know that you care about me but really dont know how much. it wont hurt me if its over. i learned a lot in our relationship and you gave me the chance to love, you will always have a spot in my heart. but when its over its just over ya know. well i wont go on cause i know how much it annoys you when i say the same things over and over again and i do that a lot dont i lol! please just let me know if its over for you so you can move on with life. well i guess thats all for now take care.
love Jeni.

and this was his reply:

I'm sorry I havn't been answering my phone but I've been thinking. Yes I do want to end our relationship. Not because I don't like you any more but because I just don't think that we are working out. There are lots of reasons I feel this way I just dont want to get in to it in an e-mail.


Im sorry for the long entry but I wanted to post the whole story.
I told myself that I wouldnt cry through this whole ordeal and up tell now I hadnt. I emailed him mid day and i got his reply a few hours later. that was the quickest he had responded to any thing in the time we have known eachother. and something about the final yes its over made me break down. but its over....

11:00 pm: Day ONE
okay i feel as though i am getting over an addiction. ugghhh this is day one of waiting for william to call me and let me know what kind of games he is playing. i have no self will and really want to call him but i dont want to seem needy cause im not really all i want is straight answers and a call once in a while like willingly twice a week even if it is a quick hello. but why does that feel so needy to me? i also want to know if i am blowing this out of porpotion ( cause i am good at that!) ugghhh guys are ickky :) they say women play all the games but hello!!!!!!!! i am laid back go with the flow seriously! (though i do stress out a lot i still go with the flow and stress about it , lol something i have learned recently and have to work on improving always a masterpice in progress) our relationship is all up to william i want things to stay good and i love being around him he makes me laugh and feel good about myself and he is just a good person but he has been hurt and i dont want to scare him a way but im afraid he is playing game huh... what the hell to do now..... well i guess day one is at an end its late and im off to bed and have not picked up the phone ya me!
(i am going crazy please send help lol! :) )

12:31 am: the big dance
its suppouse to be one of the funnest dances you ever go to. the fun of going shopping for the perfect dress and getting youre hair done laughing and dancing all night then parting through the morning. this is about prom
all that is told to you or you hear about prom growing up is bullshit! thats right i am calling bullshit.
if you have large tits and love food. i am a little over weight but by no means fat. try shoping in a world molded around the size eight and smaller. given the fact yeah i did find a few cute dresses that i liked and could put on they only ziped up half way why you ask cause my fucking boobs are to fucking big. ( excuse my langue its going to get ugly)
why the hell are we fucking force to live in such a fucking judging world what i wouldnt give to be anyone but me. why the hell couldnt i have been born a fucking size two and five six and weighting 120 lb dripping wet? after looking in three fucking malls and countless stores i found five dresses that i liked and could actually zip all the way up and have it look good on me. i hate shopping and i hate the world we live in.
heres what i forsee prom as a huge fucking waste of money i will go be bored out of my fucking mind cause i will not have anyone to dance with ( yeah so far if you are adding this all up a dress what between 80-100 dollars tickets 70? getting my hair done what 40? that would be the highest then asessories who knows thats a fucking lot of money) then the food will suck. the after parties maybe fun but all that for that much money bs. yet if i dont go i will regreat it cause thats the kind of person i am. so what the hell am i to do? uhgg i hate being me. please can i be some one else?

12:21 am: hatred
Brightly shining are the stars
as he sits staring through
the soild steel bars
even this cant heal the scars
the reasons, he says, are untrue

Here i am broken
how can it be a lie?
the words i have spoken!
my childhood was taken
he needs to die
i am not mistaken

the dream has ended
this is not really true
everyone has pretended
and they even avoided
what they truely knew

everyone has to know
of what he did
yet they all chose
they could not expose
his actions with his kid
his life he now owes

11:00 am: it hit me
so yeah the other day i was thinking about school and getting out and everthing and it hit me in three months i will be walking out of this school for the last time. i will be moving away from all my friends and those that i love to move in with one guy that i love to see how far the relationship will go i hope it goes all the way but if not at least i did it and knew that i could truely love.
the idea of walking out of school for the last time isnt what scares me but the fact that i will be leaving behind everything that i know and all of my support and structure
i have no money at the moment and that scares me even more this is not how i wanted to start my life but i guess this is how it is going to happen the fact is irreversable. its scary to know in three months i will be moving with no money in my pocket but probably just enough to get down to california. :(
it will be great to have a change it feels weird that i have stayed in one place for such a long time. i depertly need a change of senerary. and i will be completely responsible for me. ( is anyone really ready to do that when the time comes? that is what i wonder.)
so over all i am stressing the fuck out and i am excited and i am worried and i am lost. and i know that there is no one that can help me and that worries me even more. if i am starting out in a situation where no one can help me will there be anyone to help me the next time that i need help or will that be the end? i know that sounds crazy but if you think about it for a while and be blonde like me it really does make sence.
well lunch is over